One Year
When looking forward it can seem so far away. When looking back it can seem as if it passed in the blink of an eye. The one thing that my adventures have always taught me- one year can make all the difference in the world.
It has been a while since I have posted in the bloggersphere (3 1/2 years to be exact). There are many reasons why that is the case, but none of them are of relative importance as of this moment. Things happen. Life happens. Time escapes you when you do not give it your attention. I return now because I am on a new adventure of self-discovery and realize that I miss writing. Miss collecting the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head and putting them out into the world. This new adventure comes on the heels of great change, that started with the hardest decision I have ever had to make. So that is where we shall start this new adventure section- from the decision that set it in motion.
I am no stranger to hard decisions. I have made many in the course of my life. However, I find that the hardest decisions, the ones that cause the greatest amount of worry, strife, stress, fear, anguish, or trepidation are the ones that inevitably will impact others beyond yourself. This was true when I chose to leave the classroom 7 years ago. It was truer still when I chose to end an engagement.
Though the decision may have seemed to come out of nowhere- to be "rash" as they say- to some; those who had been listening knew it did not come out of nowhere, and most certainly was not "rash." It was a daily battle that was being waged inside of me. It was a conversation that was held in limited terms with people outside of the relationship. It was a conversation that was not truly understood within the relationship. I cannot speak for the other parties involved, but for me it was a situation I had been thinking about, praying about, journaling about, meditating on, and generally focused on for some time. Then one day came in which I knew in the very depths of my heart that the only way forward meant hurting someone I truly cared about, so deeply, that they would likely never be a part of my life in the future. That part- that part sucked.
So one year ago- today- I said the words that had to be said and started down the road towards a very unclear future. In the course of the following year, I grieved. I don't think we realize how hard it is to grieve a dream that is no longer a possibility in the format you thought it would be. There are hard realities that I had to face, elements that would not be apart of my future in the way I once hoped for. So, I bought a house.
Buying a house was something I had control over. It was something I had been dreaming of for over 10 years. Something I had been working towards and could do mostly on my own. I did not have to wait for someone else to make it happen. I just had to wait on the right house. Then, there it was at the exact same time my mother had a major health scare. I had no time to second guess the buying decision as my time was split between work, hospitals, paperwork for the house, and packing. Then it was mine.
The house became my focus and I poured my energy and attention into it. I had some seriously dedicated friends that were there to help ease the transition, but eventually, they too had things to do. There were days when I thought to myself- "am I crazy, I can't take care of this by myself." I would spend several days talking myself into tackling a project that seemed too overwhelming, too impossible. Eventually, I would dive in. Sometimes that project went smoothly, sometimes it did not. When it didn't, I reminded myself- it is my house, I am the only one who has to live with it! It helped me get through the new reality of living alone once again. I worked to try and get a routine that doesn't involve eating dinner on the couch in front of the TV. It is all still a work in progress- but a new adventure requires only the first step- others will follow in time.
Along with this is seeking myself. How to really love myself. How to find the things that really make me happy. Finding the things that truly fulfill me. One thing that has stayed true and in my awareness is my drive for knowledge and how much I enjoy the process of learning. I have curated a list of educational materials to aid me in my new adventure of self-discovery. I will share it with you as I go. Ultimately, what I hope you will take away from this post is: (1) Being true to yourself is not always easy- but if guided by the heart, will be worth it (2) That you are never too old to seek out self-knowledge, self-love, and self-care (3) That you do not have to go to a foreign land to seek adventure!
To the next adventure- the year of seeking out my truth!
