Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Dear 2013

Dear 2013,

This is hard for me, please know that.  We have had some really great times together, shared some laughs, met new people, reconnected with old friends, and even taken amazing trips!  However, I think we both knew that things have been more rocky which did not bode well for our future.   This may be really hard to hear, but I think it is time for us to go our separate ways and move on to "greener pastures" if you will. Years from now I may look back on this time with you and see how instrumental it actually was in the grand scheme of my life, but right now the cloud of emotions obscures this image from appearing.  Please know that I don't blame you; it just is the way it was and neither of us could do anything about that.  I just had higher hopes when we began this relationship and thought things would be so different.

You have just broken my heart to many times; pushed me to the edge of reason and sanity; made me question if I had a clue about what I was doing.  I need to be done with all of that.  I need to move on with my life, find happiness and peace of mind.  You, I am sorry to say, just didn't quite fit the bill. 

I have learned so much from you though and I will always remember those lessons (both good and bad).  I am stronger now than I was a year ago.  I have more faith and courage to take risks than I did a year ago.  You were instrumental in those lessons and for that I thank you. I will treasure the happy memories that we shared, but I will also remember the utter heartbreaks suffered in our time together.  There were just too many tears shed for this to continue.

I have packed up all of the mementos, papers, belongings and keepsakes.  They are stored for safe keeping because there will come a time when I will want to remember, but right now it is just too much, too overwhelming with emotion.  I do so hope that you will understand that parting is for the best and storing all of those things out of sight is just the way it needs to be right now.  

I wish you all the best as you move into the next phase of time for you.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Bells Will be Ringing

I find it hard to come up with the right words to express all of the feelings and emotions that I am experiencing at the moment.  I struggle to find a topic, a lesson, a reason to write a short passage in this little blog.  When I started this, the intent was to share knowledge and great adventures that I had as I "flew the coop" and left the land of Oz.  Life; however, had other plans for me.   In reality it has worked out exactly as it needed to and for that I am humbled and grateful for the strength to adapt, to shift, to accept new direction as it appears.  Yet, there is still a sense of disappointment that the turn could not have been a more joyous one.  Hope springs eternal in my heart that it will eventually lead to that joy, but first I must get through the brier patch.  

As my mother continues to heal (quite nicely I might add), our family prepares to say good-bye to a close friend, my mom's best friend, a second mom, a very special member of that family you pick to be family.  There is the blessing of knowing that it is coming, as it allows you to hold them a little tighter, share the stories that make you smile, say all the things that you feel need to be said; yet, the pain, the grieving, the sadness can not be lessened or avoided.  In a year where I have found myself asking how many times can you be knocked down before you don't get back up- I am surprised that I do manage to get back up and keep going.

There is always a balance to the hard stuff.  Sometimes we can not see that balance because the pain, frustration, sadness, anger are too consuming to allow us to see it.  Yet, the balance is there.  It is there in the faces of those who care about you, support you, lend you comfort or strength in times of strife.  Maybe there is a magical moment where for a few minutes, an hour, or even a day you laugh and smile because there was a reason to be happy even in the midst of tragedy.  The balance might even be the realization that you are not as alone as you sometimes feel because someone calls at the right time, or there is someone unexpected there to rub your back, hold your hand, hug you tight when the unexpected or expected news arrives.  The balance may even be a lottery ticket randomly purchased on the worst of days that you win $4 on, though the people in the store may have thought you won so much more because you shouted so loudly- because on that day, $4 did feel like winning a huge jackpot.

The holidays signify joy and happiness.  Bells ringing, gifts wrapped, carols sung, foods filling the air with distinctive smells of deliciousness.  Though the Christmas spirit within me is going to have to duke it out with the other emotions that are warring inside, there will come a moment, a second, maybe even longer where it will be triumphant and there will be pure joy that overpowers all the rest.  It may not last long, but I for one will try so very hard to recognize it, hold on to its feeling, and cherish whatever moment it is, for as long as I possibly can.  

One day at a time, ever forward we walk.